Another shot

I really am bad at blogging. I think I need to start again though. I always have so many thoughts going on in my head, I just want to get them out. This is the easiest way to do so. With it being the new year it seems like a good time to start.

There was a while there that I figured there was no point in blogging because really, who would want to read it anyway? It isn't about that now though. I will tell people about this blog, but I don't care if you read it. I'm writting this for me, not for you. I may write it as though I'm saying all of this to you, but that's just the way I write. If you find it interesting then read it. Comment on it. Or send me a message on facebook or something and we can have a conversation. There are two things that I ask when it comes to what I blog though. The first is don't judge me for what I say and what I feel, the second is don't feel sorry for me. I'm not a happy person. I will write about that. I'm not doing that for your pity, I'm doing that so that I don't hold it all in.

Obviously, with it being the new year, I have been thinking a lot about this past year. 2008 was probably a year that I dealt with the most changes, and most challenges. In late 2007 and early 2008 I was diagnosed as being depressed. That wasn't a suprise to me, I have always known that I have been more sad than a lot of people. It was hard to actually hear people say it though. To be taking medication for it. To have people finding out that five years ago I wanted to kill myself. The pills helped. While I still wasn't happy, my low wasn't as low as it had been. I'm not sure why I quit taking them. Something told me that I should. I don't know if it was the right choice or not. But I know that I can't take a pill for the rest of my life in order to feel normal. I'm not better. I don't know if I'm worse though. I just feel like I'm drifting. I don't have a place to belong. I'll go deeper into that at another time.

My time at Bethany ended. First year it was easy, a lot of the people that I was friends with were coming back and so it was easy to say goodbye. This year it was different. The entire year was different. After the first couple of months I felt as though I was done with the place. Like I had gotten what I had gone there for and there was nothing else left. I muddled through the rest of the year with no expectations. When I said goodbye it was easy. Some people I was sad to say goodbye to, but most of them I had been saying goodbye to for a long time. It's easier that way. If I don't let them in and start forgetting about them I don't have to be sad. It hurts when they move on though. When I do want to talk to them but they don't talk to me. When I want to see them but they don't want to see me. When I really need someone to care, but they have all said goodbye as well.

Summer was good to me. I had a job that I loved. Who would think that I could enjoy working at a gas station so much? It was great though. I really enjoyed most of my co-workers, the work was easy, and I loved most of the regular customers. The ones I didn't like as much at least gave me some entertainment. Things change though. I felt as though I had no choice by to leave the job. It was bringing me down hard. It was making me miserable. Moreso, she was making me miserable. I think that was her plan all along. She wanted me gone for some reason of which I do not know. All I know is that she got what she wanted. Now I don't know what to do. I need to find a job. I don't know what I like though. That's not true. I know what I like. I just can't make a career out of it. And everything that I dream about doing costs money. Flying to all of those far away lands and exploring the beauty that this world offers. I want to see so much. I want to experience so much. But alas, it all stays in my dreams.

I think this is enough for my 'first' entry. I am going to update this weekly.

Favorite song of the moment: Shine On- The Kooks
Favorite movie of the moment: Seven Pounds with Eagle Eye at a close second.