After I wrote my last blog I received a message that partially made me think and partially made me feel like I need to explain myself a bit. I'm really not sure who all reads this blog, or what you think of the things that I write but it's possible that there may be some misconceptions being made.
I'm going to begin by saying that I don't think that I don't have any friends. I do have some. that doesn't change the fact that I am lonely though. Most people that I am friends with, that I would call up and say hey lets do something, or that would hopefully call me up and do the same thing, live to far away. They live anywhere from 45 mintues to 20 hours away from where I live. There are people in Saskatoon that I'm "friends" with. They are people that I talk to every once in awhile, maybe see when friends from other cities come and visit, but really not people that I would do something with just on the fly. I don't know what the reason is for that. There is just some people that it is almost awkward with to hang out with if others aren't there. That's how I feel about my friends that live in Saskatoon. There are two people in Saskatoon that I get together with every once in awhile. Nothing good happens with that though. That's not a part of my life that I want to go into detail about. There is maybe about 2 people (other then those involved) who will know, but it is something that usually just makes me feel more lonely and more depressed. My point is, I do have friends. If any of my friends reading this ever feel offended because I talk about how I feel lonely sometimes I do apologize. I don't mean to make anyone feel that I don't see them as a friend when I do consider them to be so. You may be asking yourself, why if I feel lonely, do I not go out and try to make friends in Saskatoon. I'm not good at making friends. I'm not the kind of person who can just go up to people and start talking to them. A lot of people don't realize just how shy I can be. When it comes to strangers I have no problem talking to them. Customers that come into work, no problem. When I go to a store those working at the till or something, no problem. Waiters and waitresses at resturants I go to, no problem. When it actually comes to having to make friends with someone though, I just can't do it. It's something that I need to have happen on its own. I have made friends with some customers. Some I see outside of work every once in awhile. That happened on its own though. Started with random conversation, continued with exchanged phone numbers, went on with hanging out sometimes. Unfortunately has continued on from there with trouble. Another problem I have when it comes to meeting new people is that I'm different. I'm not exactly a normal person. I am aware of that. I have quirks. My mind works in strange ways. I am unique. For a couple of years I met a lot of people who were like that as well, and I started to think that strange and unique maybe wasn't so different. It turns out that a lot of people aren't like that. I'm proud of the fact that I'm different then a lot of other people. When people tell me how unique and different I am I take pride in that. I looked through my yearbooks from Bethany awhile back and I realized just how many people wrote a comment to me about that and how they like that fact about me. Turns out that not everyone in the world likes that in people. I don't ever want to change that fact about me, but it does get hard. I do feel judged a lot of the time when I meet new people. They aren't used to people like me. It makes me feel like I can't be myself around them. That makes it hard to actually become friends with someone. I think you get my point. I have troubles making friends, and it's possible to be lonely even if you do have friends. Especially when your friends aren't around you. And lets face it, the internet with MSN and facebook chat can only help a person so much.
Onto my next point. I'm not depressed due to any circumstance in my life. I'm not depressed because I feel lonely. I'm not depressed because I wish that I could change some things in my life that will probably always stay the same way. I'm not depressed because sometimes I hate my job. I'm not depressed because I've been hurt in a lot of ways in my past. I'm depressed because of genetics. That can't be changed. Sometimes depression can be conquered. A person can make changes in their life to make them happier. But the fact is that I have a chemical imbalancement that can't be changed by changing anything. The fact is that my brain will never produce the saratonin that I need in order to be really truly happy. I've accepted that fact. It doesn't make it any easier, but I've accepted it. I can do things that make it easier. I can do things to make me feel a bit better. But unless I go onto anti-depressents to help get the saratonin producing, I will never be fully happy. Even with the pills I still wouldn't be fully happy. It would bring me to a higher level, but never as high as people who do not have depression.
I realize that this blog can make it seem like I'm depressed all the time. That's not true though. I do have some really good days. I do have good things happen in my life and I acknowledge that. I don't mean for this blog to be a 'woe is me' type of thing where it sounds like I'm always wining or something. The thing is though, I don't feel the need to write about those good things. This isn't a diary for me, it isn't a place where I write "today I went to the mall and bought the shirt that I've been wanting for a long time because it was finally on sale." That does happen, and it does make me happy, but this is a place for me to sort out my thoughts. A place that I can write how I feel, let you know how I feel, and to just get it out there. It's hard when you keep things in all the time. I did that for a long period in my life. That's what led me to want to kill myself. It isn't easy to keep it all in. It gets really hard. I don't ever want my mind to go back into that place, I never want to fall that far back into my depression. So this is my outlet. This is where I can go and feel like I'm actually talking to someone. Expand everything that I feel and think. This is the cheapest and easiest therapy. I can't do one on one conversations about this kind of thing. As good as that might be for me, I just can't do it. At least here if someone stops caring they can stop reading and I never have to know. If you're talking to someone though, you actually know what they think. If they care. And nine times out of ten the conversation never stays as long as I would need it to. It seems that every time I do start to talk to someone, something ends up coming up for them. They need to go do something or they think of something else they want to talk about, something frivilous and meaningless. In that moment I can't let them know how much I need them to be there for me and talk to me. I can't make myself vulnerable like that. Vulnerbility only seems to bring pain. When you already hurt it seems to be better to avoid circumstances that bring on more pain.
I think I've covered about as much as I want to tonight. Just remember that I'm not constantly in the state of mind that I am when I blog. Remember that I do have some good days. Remember that I love each and every one of my friends and appreciate them.
I do appreciate the friend that sent me the message that made me want to write this blog. I do like getting messages from people regarding things on here, having them give me things to think about and offering some words of encouragement. Sometimes I do need a reminder that people care.