Sometimes I wonder why I can't seem to keep friends for an extended period of time. Most people that I was friends with only a year or two ago I hardly ever speak to anymore. When I do speak to them it's awkward and I never know what to say. I end up feeling out of place. Not going to lie, I do sometimes get envious of people who have a best friend, people who have someone in their life that knows absolutely everything about them, what they have gone through and what they have felt. Someone they can go to no matter what happens and know that they can fully trust that person and that there will be no judgement. I don't remember the last time I that kind of best friend. I've had friends that I could consider to be close, but even they don't know nearly as much as they think they do. There are so many aspects of my life that no one knows anything about. Everyone knows snipets, just the things that I want them to know. I'm selective because I know theres things that I've done and that I'm doing that I would be judged for. I even judge myself for some of the things I do. No one knows these things though. I look at those who I was friends with a few years ago, and think about how I was then. I then look at how those friends are now, and think about how I am now. I know that I have changed. I don't know if I have changed for the better or worse, but I know that I've changed. In some areas I have changed quite a bit. Even most of the people that I consider to be my friends now are completely different then the people I used to be friends with. Maybe it all boils down to being a victim of circumstance. Circumstances almost seem to define what happens in your life. Just over a year ago the only people I hung out with were people that I worked with in Langham. All of those people were high school students that I really didn't have much in common with other than our work place. It worked though. We all had fun working together. We became friends. I left that job and have barely spoke to any of them since. I talk to a few every once in awhile when I'm in Langham and stop at Shell for gas, but that's the only time. And that's also the rare time. The people I am friends with did a complete turn around in a years time. Going back a bit further to my Bethany days. Every once in awhile I talk to someone on facebook chat from there. Just a little hows it going, hows your life type of thing. That's not even friends though, they have become nothing more than acquantices really. People who were there at a time in my life, and now that time has passed, and they are no longer part of my life. There is maybe somewhere between 5-9 people from my two years at Bethany who I would still consider myself to be friends with. The rest, while I still appreciate them, are not really my friends. I don't talk to them often, I don't see them, I don't share my secrets or pains or joys with them anymore. I don't know how I feel about this. I don't have many people I consider to be friends at this time, but the ones I do have I really appreciate them. They are the ones who seem to care, will send me a message if they haven't talked to me in awhile, will take initiative in trying to hang out if we haven't seen each other for some time, even come and visit me at work, even the few who will once in awhile stop by and check up on me if I'm working the night shift. Still though, those people are just friends. Not anyone that I can call up during my hardest times or spill all my secrets to. I do kind of wonder if its my own fault. I know that I have troubles letting people in. That's no secret. Is that why none of them stick around? Or do I send them away? I do try to keep in contact. As a see a friendship ending I will try to revive it by the random text message, the 'how are you', but it always seems to end. That doesn't happen in every case though. Lots of times I see it ending, and just continue to watch it crumble. Sometimes I just don't care. Maybe I just don't think it's worth the fight. If the person wasn't someone that you could count on in the first place, why keep them around? Why fight for a friendship that just brings you down? Just because it was a good thing at one time, doesn't mean that it always will be. You can fake a friendship all you want, but no one gains anything from that. I've got some rage and hurt that has been building up for a long time that I tend to push aside, hoping things will get better, all the while holding onto something that I don't think is there any longer. At one time in my life I took pride in the fact that people could know what I was thinking and feeling. I liked that if I had an opinion on something, just by looking at my expression people could tell what it was. It baffles me when someone comes along and choses to be so oblivious that they never realize my opinions. Maybe it isn't oblivion. Maybe it is just straight up not caring what I think or feel. That almost seems more likely. My feelings aren't often taken into consideration. That's a whole different rant though, that would be one on self centeredness. Oh how I would love to tell you some things about that. Maybe then you would realize what your words and actions do to me, and quite possibly others around you. How your assumptions aren't right. How you tend to treat me like crap in hopes of making yourself feel better. I shouldn't have to suffer because of your own insecurities. I take the punches though. I don't know why I put up with it, but I do. Eventually just giving up and not replying to what you last said, because if I do I just hear how stupid I am. Even if it's about how I'm feeling. How silly, I should know that I don't know myself nearly as well as you know me. I clearly don't know how I am feeling, or how things affect me. If only you knew how you made me feel. I think it makes me stronger though. Maybe stronger is the wrong word. Or maybe it's the right word, but it's not me getting stronger, its the wall blocking me off from people who would potenially care about me, if only I would let them. I don't think I can though. What if they end up being just like you. Writting this post doesn't seem to be helping me today. It almost seems to be making me feel more hurt, more angry. Usually this is my outlet, a place for me to ramble and get things off my chest. Maybe this is just a touchy subject for me today though. I don't even really know what this is all about. I feel like I rambled way to much, not even making the point that I originally started writing because of. Well, at least its all out there now. Even though this barely even scratches the surface of how I feel about this subject. Why do I have to be so screwed up?