Been almost a month. Guess I am back to being bad at this whole updating thing. Mentally I would say that I am still at the same place I was last time I wrote. I haven't decided yet if that is a good or bad thing. Sometimes I wonder if I am emotionally dead or something. I do feel emotions, I get frustrated, stressed, sad, but normally my emotion level is a straight line. It's almost like I have no feeling, emotionally and sometimes physically. Things that should hurt don't, I barely feel it. Thing's that are exciting barely register in my mind. I look forward to something, like my tattoo. I was pumped about getting it. I thought about it a lot, told some people because I just couldn't keep it to myself. But mentally? It was a straightline. It used to be when I was excited about something, I could physically feel it. Mentally feel it. I didn't feel anything different inside though. My brain was telling me that I was excited, but I didn't actually feel excited. Good chance I am making an offer on a condo this weekend, and I really love the apartment. I'm excited about it. At least that's what my brain is saying. It's telling me I should be excited. At the same time it is wondering why I don't feel more excited. I remember how excitement used to be. It was a long time ago since I have felt it. I still can remember what it felt like though. Like waking up on Christmas morning, seeing the gifts under the tree. Like the first day that it snows really hard and you can go out and play in it. Like when you get a brand new bike and can't wait to ride it. That feeling shouldn't end there. It should continue on to things when you are older. Like your first tattoo. Like getting your first place. Sometimes it makes me wonder if I have some sort of mental disorder other than depression. Something that causes me to have a lack of emotional feelings. I have done some research and the only one I can really find is bipolar, but that doesn't line up with me. Bipolar is more of an extreme up and down emotional level, mine is just one level. Sometimes I wonder if I should talk to a professional about it. I know that I never will though. This is probably as far as my talking to anyone will ever go. No one listens better than the computer screen.
My problems with the night shift seem to have blown over. I still have some problems with it, trying to get everything done that I need to while working with someone who barely lets me get any of it done. The anxiety is gone though, and panic attacks haven't happened. So that counts for something. There is going to be a new Ukraine girl starting this week. Her first shift is the night of Canada Day, working with me and a guy from pakistan. Working with two people who can barely speak english, on a night when there is going to be tons of drunks, and having to get all of the sandwiches made, and my shift duties done. Not to pumped about that. Also because I am going to have to train her on how to set up the gas and things like that. I'm not experienced in training people, and quite frankly I don't have the patience to do it. I also don't have the patience to deal with all of the drunk people that will be coming in. Some are ok and I can deal with them, the friendly ones who are just so happy for life. I can't deal with the drunk girls that come in though, the ones who think that I should pretty much be worshiping the ground that they walk on. Or the guys who think they are just the best out there, and that I'm stuck up because I don't want to give some random drunk guy my phone number or tell him how old I am. It's none of their business. They all need to get over themselves.