Thoughts

Well, it is probably known by most people that I now have a job. I started at 7-11 at the beginning of last week. It isn't my dream job, but it pays well and it will get me the money I need to go to London. This whole job hunt has really made me think about what I want to do in my life. I still have no idea. I don't even have the slightest idea of what to do. I know that I have zero interest in going to school, which really limits any job for me. I know that I don't want to work at a gas station my whole life though. So, for awhile I was starting to get pretty down because I have no idea what to do. I also kept having people ask me what it is that I think God wants me to do. Like a job option would come up that I had no desire in and I would turn it down, but the question would come "what if God is telling you He wants you to do something." Then when I was reading a book of mine I came across something interesting. It was a book by a Christian author and the chapter was on figuring out what your calling in life is. The phrase that most stood out to me was "when a long time desire meets opportunity." That has really made me think. I don't think that God would want me somewhere that I have no interest and no desire. I don't know how to work my interests into a career, but really I should just wait for opportunities. They will come. God will help me figure this out. So that has just been something on my mind lately.

On another note, I have been wondering if I should go back on the anti depressants. I really haven't been doing well lately. I think that maybe my depression is somewhat a seasonal thing. I do seem to feel better in the summer/fall than I do in the winter/spring. I may get a sun lamp though. apparently those are supposed to help, so that would be nice. I would like something other than pills that would help me.

I have been talking to an old friend again lately. It's funny how things work. This is a person that I thought I would really never have anything to do with again after high school. And for a long time I didn't, other than some idle chit chat here and there. Lately though we have been talking more. This is one of the last people that I thought I would ever open up to be we have been talking about a lot, including what I was dealing with when it came to my depression and such. It has been really nice. So often I need someone to talk to but there is no one there. And when people are ready to talk to me I always turn it around so they talk about themselves and whatever problem they are dealing with. I find it easier to listen than to talk. Sometimes though, I would love it if someone forced me to talk. Made me say exactly what was on my mind, exactly what I was going through, and actually listen and offer advice and condolences. That never happens though. My problems get forgotten about by the other person and the focus is on them. I think it's a bad system to get two people together, one who loves to talk about themself and the other who has problems talking about themself..the conversation doesn't stay even then. I like even conversations. Those are the kind of conversations that friends should have.

On a happier note, when I am feeling really bad I found a man that can make me forget everything. Josh Ritter. Probably one of the most amazing musicians EVER. His songs offer great stories and beautiful melodies. I think you should check him out if you haven't heard of him. I don't think you will be disappointed. He is amazing. Even though I have most of his songs downloaded I still think I'm going to buy his CD one day. He is a beautiful man (well, at least his voice and words are, though he may be as well).

I think I may have more to write but I feel I should end it here. I covered a lot of topics already. It's also late and I will have to wake up in the morning. I will be seeing some relatives for lunch and then working until midnight. I do not feel tired yet though. That is a problem.